Part 2

Because Fiona was so fabulous, in the end she forgave Wendy.  But not straight away, and it was fully three months down the track until she felt able to accept an invitation to her friend's place for an after work glass of wine. 

Fiona knew that while Wendy could be extroverted and witty with people she knew well, she was otherwise reserved in public, and so Fiona had been surprised when Wendy had volunteered to give a speech at the wedding -- though not nearly so surprised as she was at the actual performance.  At the time of the wedding, Fiona didn't know what to think of the Maid of Honour's speech.  During the long silence that followed the remark about Kevin's porcine qualities, Wendy had fled from the scene.  When she was tracked down, sitting forlornly in the middle of a field, surrounded by cows, Wendy made out that it had been a joke that had gone wrong.  And it had seemed like one of those bad jokes you commonly hear in wedding speeches, but Fiona was too familiar with her friend to be fooled by this, and suddenly knowing how Wendy really felt about Kevin made her so angry that the two friends barely exchanged a word before Fiona departed on her two months honeymoon.  It was only much later that Fiona calmed down sufficiently to initiate phone contact. 

On reflection, however, Wendy's strange behaviour before the speech, which Fiona had attributed to excessive alcohol, could also have been due to the effects of extreme anxiety.  When Seb's reprehensible behaviour was revealed, this was also powerful mitigation.  But while all this made it very understandable that Wendy should blurt out something inappropriate at the climax of her speech, it didn't alter the fact that Wendy had a low opinion of Fiona's new husband.  So it was with mixed feelings that Fiona accepted Wendy's invitation.  She was still angry, but she wanted her oldest friend back.  She was also curious about Wendy's new project.

The two friends sat on the back deck, drinking Pinot gris and enjoying the late afternoon sun.  On the surface it seemed a relaxed scene.

‘I'm really, really sorry about the speech, Fiona,' said Wendy, repeating a previous string of apologies.

Fiona gave a little nod.  ‘You could have told me what you really thought before the wedding.'  She said this, even though she knew that whenever she had heard Wendy's true opinion about Kevin, it would have been intensely annoying.  ‘And it's not even true.’  It was true, but it was still a hurtful thing to say.

‘The bit about you being fabulous was true.’

‘I just wish you could make an effort to see his good qualities.’

‘I will make more of an effort, I promise.’

Fiona sighed, and then said grudgingly: ‘Even if he is a pig, at least he's my pig.’

‘Owning your own pig seems to agree with you.’

‘It does.’ She allowed herself to smile.  ‘And you know the funniest thing, ever since you made that speech, he has been making much more of an effort.’

‘So in a way, you owe me one.’

‘Yeah, cheers for that.  I will pay back in my speech at your wedding -- if you ever get married.’

They chinged their glasses together to seal this bargain.

Fiona wanted to ask how Wendy was dealing with her humiliation at the hands of Seb, however, she decided to choose a more neutral topic to begin with and asked Wendy about her new business. 

‘The idea came to me at the wedding, when I was sitting in that field.  It was Pigeon's behaviour, and that speech that got me thinking.  And suddenly I realised that I had stumbled upon a great philosophical truth.’

‘Which is?’

‘You haven't seen the website?  Follow me.’

Underneath the window in the lounge (where Fiona would have placed a comfortable couch), Wendy had large desk on which her various computer equipment was laid out dominated by a large screen.

The screen displayed a website which at first glance seemed to Fiona similar to many dating sites, with pictures of single men and women accompanied by a written profile.  These profiles were often quite sophisticated, with links to blogs, videos, and favourite music.  Visitors to the site could use various criteria to search for potential dates and then contact them by e-mail. 

‘What makes the site unique is its philosophy', explained Wendy.  'All women are fabulous: All men are pigs.’

This philosophy inspired the look of the site -- there were pictures of fabulous women, and pictures of pigs.  If you clicked on a pig it would say 'Oink!'  More practically, women were encouraged and expected to give details about themselves in their profiles which showed how fabulous they were.  Men were encouraged, indeed directed, to outline their negative qualities -- bad habits, fears, inadequacies -- why, in other words, they were pigs.  Women who knew them were allowed to add their own list of deficiencies.  There was even a feature which allowed you to click on a man's photograph, which would then oink and morph into a pig.  The only way a man could add positive comments to his profile was if an ex-girlfriend, or someone he had been on a date with chose to post it.

‘Isn't it a bit anti-men?' said Fiona, who nonetheless was enjoying clicking on the photographs.  ‘Haven't any men complained?’

‘They seem to enjoy it,’ said Wendy.  ‘At least judging by the number joining.  A few pigs have complained.’

Then Fiona saw someone she recognized.

‘Isn't that Pigeon?’

‘Looks like it -- you can't spell Pigeon without pig.’

‘I'm surprised he has the balls to put himself on your site after what he did to you.’

‘I doubt he controls the site.’

Fiona skimmed down the profile and noticed a link to a video.  She clicked on it.

‘That's someone's bedroom.  But who's the big guy -- looks like Pigeon.  And he isn't wearing a shirt.  And isn't that a girl with him?  Gross!  He shouldn't be allowed to put that on the Web.  You're the Webmaster, can't you get rid of it?’

‘Webmistress,’ said Wendy automatically.  ‘I suppose I could.’

‘But millions of people could potentially see it.’

Wendy shrugged.

Fiona knew that she should stop watching the video, but she could not stop. 

‘Cartoon boxers, nice.  Hold on, isn't that your sister?’

‘Looks like her.’

‘But should we do something?’

‘Too late now.’

‘But this is like some Paris Hilton video disaster.  And look how many people have already watched the video.'

‘I wouldn't worry.  I set up that link.’

Fiona gave her friend a look of astonishment.

‘I set up the link.  I set up the camera.  I set up the whole situation.’

‘But why?’

‘Something interesting was posted on Pigeon's profile by an ex-girlfriend -- about a very specific fear of his.’

‘Heights?  Snakes?’

‘Look what's moving around in the background of the video -- on the window ledge.’

Fiona squinted to try and make it out.  ‘Is that a rat?’

‘It's a pigeon.’

‘You're kidding me.’

‘Do you know where he really gets his nickname from?  Watch this: you're going to enjoy it.’

And Fiona did enjoy it.  Pigeon was all macho swagger, parading around the bedroom in his boxer shorts, until he caught sight of his namesake on the window sill.  Then he froze for a second before pushing the girl aside to leap onto the bed.

Fiona laughed.  ‘He's shrieking like a little girl.’

‘Squealing like a pig,’ corrected Wendy.

All Women Are Fabulous and All Men Are Pigs

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About the Author:  John Berks

John Berks lives and writes in Auckland, New Zealand.  He has never attempted chick lit previously, but the title (created for a never-to-be-written book on dating by his partner), seemed to cry out for a chick lit short story.