"I've gathered this meeting to discuss something very important." I was sitting at a lunch table with my three best friends/colleagues. They each shot me a similar yet distinctive, concerned look.
“Since when did this become a work-related meeting? I thought we were just having lunch,” Ella replied taking a sip of her lemonade.
“Yeah, I really don’t want to talk about work right now, Hilary,” Alicia chimed in.
“No, no. This is not work related at all! This is about men.”
“What men?” Katie asked immediately. I could always count on Katie to join me in any scheme involving men or the getting of men.
“Men that we will soon be meeting.”
Ella, Alicia and Katie eyed me cautiously. They could sense that something was definitely up. And I could tell they weren’t sure what to make of it. They were clearly somewhat wary of my present mental state. And I can’t say that I blame them. Four days ago I suffered a minor breakdown when I received a wedding invitation in the mail from my ex-fiance. And, needless to say, my name was on the outside of the envelope, not listed as one the participating parties.
I took their silence as my cue to continue with my “presentation.”
I removed a stack of printed-out PowerPoint slides from my bag and flipped to the second page. “Exhibit A,” I began. “These are the men that are currently employed by our company.”
I pointed at the page. It was covered with pictures of men in our office that I “borrowed” from the Human Resources computer. Every new employee had to have their picture taken upon being hired at our company. They were mostly used for ID badges and security purposes, but as an HR Manager at our office, I had apparently come up with…well, an alternative use.
I motioned to a group of pictures on the page. “These are the married men. They represent 70% of the male population working in our office. That’s nearly three quarters of our supposed ‘pool’ of male specimens.”
The girls threw each other glances as I continued.
I turned the page. “These are the gay…oh, excuse me…homosexual men. They represent 20% of the male population in our office.”
“What is this?” Alicia interrupted with an unnerving tone in her voice.
“Let me finish,” I answered as I turned the page again. “And this is the measly, pitiful, entirely unacceptable selection of single men in our office. A mere 10% of the male employee population. And look at them! All completely un-datable!”
Ella giggled and pointed to a picture near the bottom of the page. “Look at Mike Panchino’s expression. I think he’s attempting to ‘make love’ to the camera.”
Alicia, who was becoming increasingly more skeptical by the minute, chimed in again. “Yes, Hilary. We know all this. We’ve been complaining about the lack of eligible single men at our company for months. So what’s with the freaking PowerPoint?”
All eyes were on me again. The girls were intrigued but obviously concerned as well.
“Well, I think it’s time to do something about it.”
“Like what? Change companies?” Katie asked.
I shook my head purposefully. “Nope.”
“Send Mike Panchino’s picture into that Extreme Makeover Show?” Ella suggested hopefully.
“Nope.”
“Then what?” Alicia practically demanded.
“Well, here’s my thinking,” I began. “According to a recent survey I read in Cosmo, the work place is the number 2 ranked location to meet men.”
“What was number 1?” Katie asked with anticipation.
“I don’t remember, the supermarket or something,” I replied impatiently. I was getting somewhat annoyed that my friends were not taking the presentation of my plan seriously. Especially after I had put so much effort into it. “But we obviously have no chance of meeting men at our workplace when our selection looks like this.” I tapped on the page determinately.
“Awww, that’s kinda harsh,” Katie cooed.
“Sorry. But it’s true.”
All three girls looked at my PowerPoint slide and surrendered to a bleak nod.
“So, here’s my plan.” I flipped the page revealing a screenshot of a sample job posting on Monster.com. “This is a job posting that I put up last week for a Manager position we’re hiring in Finance. As you can see, it has the usual job posting requirements: title, company name, job description, candidate qualifications, bla, bla, bla.”
“What’s your point?” Alicia asked.
“I’m getting to it,” I snapped back, a bit too abrasively. After seeing the concerned looks on the faces of my friends and not wanting to be involuntarily placed in some sort of mental facility, I paused, took a deep breath and refreshed my carefree smile.
"Here's what I say we do," I continued with an exaggerated, bubbly demeanor that made me want to cringe. “I say we come up with a complete list of qualities that we would want to find in the men we date, and turn it into a job posting for the company.”
Tada! There, I said it. It was out. My brilliant plan was exposed. The girls stared at me blankly for a beat before Ella said, “You’re serious?”
“Dead serious.”
“And then what?”
“What do you mean, ‘and then what’? Then we bring in all the promising candidates for an interview (which you can all be a part of if you want) and voila! We have a plethora of smart, successful, ambitious men to meet.”
“You’re insane,” Alicia said resolutely.
“No, I’m resourceful. Just think of it. ‘Wanted: Business School or Law School graduate, 2-3 years experience in social work, education, nonprofit or other related field, volunteer work and knowledge of a foreign language a plus, extensive computer skills required.’ Suddenly, we have intelligent men knocking on our door…who love kids, are sympathetic to the needs of others, can speak to us in some romantic language and who will be able to fix our laptops when they break. AND, we can purposely weed out anyone who has a background in sales or other commission-based work.”
“You know, she makes a good point,” Katie said, matter-of-factly.
“No! She’s crazy. And now she’s dragged you down as well,” Alicia said pointing a French fry at her.
“What do we do once they come in for the interview?” Ella was intrigued. I could tell.
“You too? Oh dear, Lord.” Alicia sighed.
I took a deep breath. I knew they would come around eventually. Alicia would still require some work, but I’ve known her for years. She’ll cave sooner or later. “Well, we interview them, ask them whatever questions we want to know to get a better understanding of their boyfriend potential and then, when we call them the next week to tell them that we’re so sorry but we’ve decided to go with an internal candidate, we can console them by offering to take them out for a drink. Things can progress naturally from there and no one gets hurt.”
“Until someone at work finds out that you’re using your job to meet men,” Alicia added.
“Everyone uses their job to meet men in some way or another. What about all those girls who marry work colleagues? We’re at work the majority of our lives. It only makes sense that we’re able to incorporate our personal lives into our jobs. Otherwise, who has time to meet decent men? I’m just making the odds a bit more favorable for us.”
“I’m in!” Katie exclaimed.
“Me, too.” Ella said timidly, glancing nervously at Alicia, as if she expected to be hit by a projectile object coming from that end of the table.
I looked to Alicia.
“No way! You guys are going to have to do this one without me. Call me crazy, but I’d much rather meet someone in a conventional, non-psycho-destiny-destroying way. But I’ll be sure to laugh at you guys when you end up posting your own resumes on that same site.”
The plan was flawless. I knew it would only be a matter of time before my office was filled with benevolent, computer friendly, French speaking, non-salesmen, business school graduates. Of course there was that chance that my boss would find out what I was doing and fire me. But it was a chance I was willing to take. I wasn’t about to continue being single, lonely and bored, while my supposed ex-soul mate was off gallivanting through some tropical island with what’s her face and her fancy calligraphy handwriting.